My wife took me to one of those mega-bookstores the other day. You know the ones. They have the coffee bar in the back, and I noticed on my way back to the coffee counter that a lot of people are publishing diet books these days.
It occurred to me that maybe I should jump on the bandwagon and make big bucks this way (all the other ways I’ve tried have proved unfruitful). So I mentioned this idea to my wife.
“Have you looked at your waist lately?” she asked.
I admitted that maybe I had put on a couple of pounds since I wrestled 112 pounds in high school.
“You have put on a couple of people since you wrestled 112 pounds in high school,” she riposted.
I pointed out that I could hire someone to pose for the cover picture on the book and my weight problem would be solved.
“Then what about writing it?” she asked. “Who is going to write it?”
I pointed out that I am a professional journalist who makes a nice living putting words onto paper.
She just stared at me. It was one of those “wife” stares they give you when you bring in the starter motor from your pickup into the living room because you want to work on it while you watch a baseball game on television.
“OK, OK,” I admitted, “but I am a professional journalist.” I think pointed out that I could hire someone to give the advice in the diet book sort of like I planned to do with the photograph.
This time she shook her head dejectedly. This was the same reaction she once gave me when I suggested starting a combination laundromat and topless bar in Montoya. I was going to call it Suds and…” Well, never mind what I was going to call it, my diet book is on the front part of my mind now.
I plan on calling it, “Don’t Listen to the Fat Person Inside of You!”
See, I have this theory that if you keep your “inner you” confused, you won’t get fat.
For example, let’s start with breakfast. What does the average “inner you” want for breakfast? Pancakes? Eggs? Sausage? Bacon? Hash browns? Toast?
But on my diet, you give it supper for breakfast. That way when your stomach starts seeing tacos, pizza and liver coming into it at 7 a.m., it says, “Wow, where have I been? I missed two whole meals. I can’t put any fat on this guy. He’s probably already gotten fat from those other meals I don’t remember (This whole theory works much better if you assign logic [granted bad logic] to different parts of your anatomy).”
Then at lunch you eat nothing but deserts, still keeping your stomach confused, see.
Then at supper you eat breakfast. Thus fooling your stomach into believing that it has a whole day to work and burn energy ahead of itself.
Now, I will grant that this can get a little confusing at times: Like when someone says, (and they always do) “You know breakfast is the most important meal of the day.”
You’re never certain whether they are talking about the one you had at 7 a.m. or the one you had at 7 p.m.
I think I’m on to something here. Right now, the only problem seems to be the name of the diet.
You’ve probably heard of diets like the Pritikin Diet named after its creator or the Atkin’s Diet named after its or even the Dr. Cooper Weight Loss System. I was thinking about doing something like that.
Well, my wife just shouted from the other room that if her last name ends up on the diet, I should expect to get visits from my in-laws for the next six months.