Vacation time creates quandary

TV Hagenah

With summer approaching, it behooves me to begin thinking of vacation destinations (I have long been a fan of the word “behooves.” Of course, as a child I would use it incorrectly. I would say things like, “They don’t be feet on that horse. They be hooves!”).

There are many schools of thought on just where and, for that matter how, to go on vacation. For instance, my wife is a big fan of family reunions or possibly a fan of big family reunions. I believe she is related to all except seven people in the state of Texas although I could be mistaken, however. It could be more like five people.

I have an athletic nephew who enjoys bicycle trekking for his vacations. He has been known to ride hundreds of miles in a singe day’s journey. His sister is crazy about “survival” camping – hiking into a wilderness area and living for a week or so on just her wits and what she has packed in her relatively small backpack.

Somehow those two points of view just don’t seem like my cup of tea. If I were to take off with my nephew, I just know that in no time I would become the hood ornament for a 1971 Volkswagen bus because some aging hippy forgot to get the prescription for his granny glasses updated (Also those new bicycle pedals which attach to the shoes seem far too complicated for my summer concentration – by the time I finally managed to get shoes on feet and feet on pedal and body off ground, my nephew would be in the next state). In addition, I am sure there are at least three state laws about me putting on those tight bicycle shorts.

As for survival camping (does any activity with the name “survival” in the title have any appeal at all?), I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem like me. I have these visions of wolves, bears, wolverines, badgers and bobcats sitting around a table playing poker using my body parts for chips.

“I’ll see you that ear and I raise you a forearm.”

Actually, I have come up with a theory about where to take vacations. It all came about because I have a friend who recently returned from Cozumel, Mexico and he had a wonderful time while there, and now is miserable because he had so great a time. Every time I see him he is mumbling about the clear blue skies, the bathtub warm water in the ocean and the never-ending supply of ice cold beer. As I said, he is beside himself in his agony of having to return home.

That is why I have come up with my theory on where and how to choose a vacation spot. People should go to someplace they hate. That way when they return home, they will be elated and raring to get back to the job just to get the bad taste out of their mouths. To heck with booking trips to the Canadian Rockies, Hawaii and the French Riviera. Think about it. You’ll just come back dejected, despondent and probably dehydrated from all the activities you took part in while you were there.

Instead you should be booking trips to Felt, Okla., Turkey, Texas , Mexicalli, Mexico or even Columbus, New Mexico. That way when you return home, your outlook will be more positive and the proverbial grass won’t be greener as it would be after a three day trip to Aspen, Colo. where you just spent $12,000.

My wife just called in from the other room. She was talking to her sister on the phone and apparently we’re having a family reunion in Santa Fe this summer.

Turkey, Texas is looking better and better.