A man who is shopping impaired

TV Hagenah

Generally speaking my wife doesn’t let me shop alone.

Actually, my wife, as a solid rule of thumb, doesn’t let me go into stores at all. I am what experts on shopping call an “impulse shopper.” My wife takes it a step further and refers to me as a “bad impulse shopper,” but I think that is something of an exaggeration.

Personally, I think she is just a little upset about the canned rattlesnake meat I bought for $5.16 per ounce a couple of weeks ago. I think her comment was, “you can pick them up off the highway for free, for heaven’s sake!”

Her comment about the imported Iranian caviar that I got at a slightly higher price on the same shopping trip was something like, “If I knew you wanted fish eggs, I would have stopped at the bait shop for you on the way home.”

In my own defense, it isn’t always the individual item which sends me into the buying spree. More often it’s the entirety of the shopping experience. I mean, imagine you are traveling down one of the supermarket aisles and you see a jar of pickled kimchee (a very hot Korean sauerkraut), and you want to try it. Well, I once heard that it goes best with fresh octopus, with which I am told, you need a red mustard called Red Kentucky. As I said, its the entire shopping experience.

I’m the same way in the hardware store. Recently, I bought a head gasket for a 1968 John Deere Riding lawn mower, and I don’t even have a lawn, much less a lawn mower, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. I just had the “gadget munchies.” I understand it is not unusual at all. Many men suffer from it.

For instance, I have a friend who about six years ago purchased an attachment for a 1991 GTO that will keep water buffaloes away. What he did not realize until after he got the car attachment home, and the “buying binge” had bassed, was that General Motors never made a 1991 GTO, and well, there aren’t a lot of water buffaloes in the area either. He would have been stuck with that gadget to this day if someone hadn’t bought it from him.

Now in my own defense, it wasn’t the only thing I bought from him, and the deals I was getting from him probably blinded me on the practically of that one specific item.

My wife points out that my clothes shopping is also in that general range. I did not believe her at first until I went to the mall in Amarillo, and I heard the cry passing from clothing store to clothing store.

“He’s here! He’s here! Break out the lime green Nehru Jackets and Madras bell bottoms,” and “Where are thoseearth shoes with rhinestones?”

Yep, it has gotten so bad that my wife, who would not let me go shopping for stuff on my own for a long time, now won’t even let me go shopping with her along.

Well, all I can say to that is, “Mission accomplished!!”