Because we’re shallow, that’s why

TV Hagenah

The other day I was visiting with a woman and she said something to the effect that she didn’t understand men. At first I thought I was mumbling again, but then I realized that she wasn’t talking about me specifically but my gender in general.

I just shook my head. She is another of those females that is under the impression that men have depth and that there is something to understand regarding men. This concept must come from watching day-time television or reading Harlequin Romances or something, because nothing could be further from the truth. We men have no depth.

Let me try to establish this with an analogy which may help make my point. In the swimming pool of life, we are the kiddie pool….No, no, I take that back. We men are not the kiddie pool. We are that little depression you walk through that is filled with highly chlorinated water before you actually go out to the pool. That’s how shallow we are.

I tried to explain this to my wife one night when she was saying profound things like “What is the essence of our relationship?” and “Why of all the people in the world, did we manage to pair up?” (I should point out that these days she doesn’t sound quite so romantic when she asks that last question – Which reminds me, why do women insist on talking about these strange topics at 2 a.m.?). However, she was having trouble understanding my explanation and said it was probably my fault. And I believe she had a valid point. It was partly my fault. “But when we were dating you were deep,” she said hopefully.

I told her she wasn’t exactly accurate. I pointed out that when we were dating she thought I was deep because a) She loved me; and b) I would say phrases that I had memorized from the bumper stickers on cars in front of me in traffic going over to her house. And I have to admit I probably did sound very intellectual when I said things like, “You know, Chicken Little might have been right, after all!” or “What if they gave a war and nobody came?” I never knew what the phrases meant, but I bet they sounded deep.

“How could you lie to me?” she asked. “You never gave a hint…”

“Actually I did,” I pointed out. “Didn’t you ever pick up on when I randomly said things like, “Visit Wall Drug,” or “I’ve seen Old Faithful” or Tucumcari Tonight.”

“I just thought it was sly and possibly a sexy innuendo that I just didn’t get, and I thought it just showed another level of your depth.”

“But I have no depth,” I tried again to communicate to her.

“Men have no depth. We are the shallow sex. Give us a beer and the remote control and we are completely happy. Given enough beer we may not even need the television to go with the remote control.”

To illustrate my point, I pointed out that “dance” to her is something that a Russian defector does on stage in the Bolshoi Ballet, but for a guy it is what a wide receiver does after a reception in the end zone.

For her, “music” is something done by Brahms or Beethoven but for men it is any sound we don’t produce immediately after getting out of bed in the morning.
But no matter what I said, she wouldn’t believe me. She insisted men have a secret side to them that they try to mask so women won’t realize just how deep they are. “It’s all part of some subtle agenda you men have,” my wife said.

I tried to explain to her that not only do men not have a “subtle agenda,” most of us can’t even spell it.

TV Time is meant as humor. It is written by the managing editor of the Quay County Sun, TV Hagenah. If you are or know of a male who is deep, do not hold it against the Sun, just the editor.