I feel that the current rating system that has been created for television (you know the one. It has a “V” for violence, and “N” for nasty, an “RS” for really stupid….At least, I think those are the ratings.) Anyway, I want to add one for my household. I want a “W” for the Weather Channel.
Now let me begin by pointing out that I love my wife. I truly do. I have the greatest wife in the world, bar none. I mean, for heaven’s sake, she puts up with me, and I am a person that both Lassie and Flipper would take turns biting just on general principles.
Yet, despite this, my wife has put up with me for decades. I originally thought it was for my money. What else could it be? Here is an attractive, intelligent, caring woman spending time with me. It had to be my money.
When I mentioned this to my best friend, he pointed out that I had no money.
I said, “Oh.”
Anyway, she puts up with me, and until recently I thought she was perfect, but I’ve finally found her flaw.
She is (gulp) a weather junkie.
It wasn’t so bad when the weather was only on three or four times a day and generally at the same time each day. I could take that and she could maintain control. Then the Weather Channel came along. Now we can’t go on a trip to Ima without her checking to make sure it’s safe weatherwise. Heck, we can’t go to the bathroom without a check of the Weather Channel.
Yes, she is hooked. I go to bed at night, and she’s there watching it on television with its arrows, graphics of clouds, computerized mapping of weather patterns with updrafts and the like. The next morning she’s still there, staring at the television with its charts, graphics, and arrows in all their glorious color.
It’s really starting to worry me. Words like barometric pressure and thermal inversion and lateral bipolar jet stream are starting to slip into her conversation. And when you’re actually talking about the Rattlers, this can be frightening.
If we meet anyone on the street, and they ask, “How’s it going?”, or “What’s up?”, she assumes they want to know about the weather so she will go into detail about weather trends, wind drifts and back to back hurricanes in Florida. She’ll do a 20 minute report, or until people start to get that blank stare when the words heat, trough, and Musketoon, Ohio are mentioned in the same sentence.
I wouldn’t normally complain, but now that she is making me tote around the maps, pointers, and felt boards, they are starting to get heavy.
Another thing, this spring and summer have been a little disappointing because the weather has been much too predictable. Because of this she has started to follow foreign trends.
Honestly, I don’t really wish to be told at one of our more intimate moments (granted, for us that’s having lunch at Larry’s Traveler’s One-Stop) that there is a 65 percent chance of precipitation on the western edge of Nepal!
Why, can’t she want something more relevant like I do — The All Elvis Channel. “All Elvis, all the time. Thank you. Thank you very much.”