A jaundiced view of politics

TV Hagenah

Political season is in high gear again. It is a weird sort of time of year for most of us, I think.

For a few brief days every couple of years big time lawyers and businessmen, who are running for office, will sit there and listen to us as if they are really interested in what we think.

Now, I’m talking about the big-time guys not our local guys. They talk to people regularly. They even talk to me occasionally. Personally, when big-time politicians pretend to listen to me, I like to make really outrageous suggestions and watch them agree with what a good idea I have put forth.

“You know, candidate Freedwindle, I think the Canadian Goose should be our national bird,” say I. “It is a noble bird with a long neck and pretty feathers both of which are very symbolic of many things. What do you think.”

“I think you’ve got a good point there,” inevitably says Freedwindle, “I’ll have to look into that when you send me back to Washington (Santa Fe or wherever). Yes sir, good point.”

He, of course, won’t. He just wants my vote, and he thinks he will get it by nodding and agreeing to whatever I say.

Another of my favorite things to do this time of year is to exchange lawn signs. I’ll spot a rabid Republican’s yard and a rabid Democrat’s yard (you can tell who they are by the 427 or so political signs on their front lawns on which are different candidates’ names) and exchange the Republican signs for Democratic signs and Democratic ones for Republican (I even enjoy throwing in the occasional Libertarian and Green Party signs). I love to see how long it takes the residents to notice.

An addendum to this is when I go around town and collect the old signs right after the election, and then put them back on the same lawns about 10 years later trading them for more current ones. I often wonder if the residents wake up in the morning and think their lawns have traveled through a time warp or something.

I should point out my wife said I definitely can get arrested or possibly even shot if I am caught doing this. It worried me a bit because she smiled when she said that.

Actually, I am tinkering with the idea of running for political office myself, but unlike most other candidates, I am thinking about starting my own party, too. I am contemplating calling it the GRAFT party.

How up front can I be? My platform will be, “You pay. I vote.”

We’ll have a regular price list published. For $50, I mention you on the floor of the House of Representatives. For $100, I actually push for the bill in your favor and for $200 I, but you get the idea.

With most candidates, you never are really sure if they are crooks or honest until after they are elected, when it’s too late. You never know if he is going to take some other person’s money instead of yours thus leaving you out in the cold. With me, you’ll know right off. I’ll be honest about being a crook, and I’ll take everybody’s money. No preference shown. Now, can you be any fairer than that?

This way even the common man can get involved with serious bribery. No longer will it be reserved for just the big corporations, unions and foreign powers. It could revolutionize politics. What WalMart did for shopping, I would do for government. Capitalism will actually come to government.
My wife just wandered into the office in our house, looked over my shoulder at my column and informed me I could be arrested or possibly shot for this, too.

She’s still smiling about the prospect.