People Magazine recently released its list of the world’s sexiest men for 2004, and surprisingly, once again, I received the news that I’m not on it.
My wife assures me that it’s merely a typographical error which will probably be remedied next year, but she has been saying that for 17 years now so I am beginning to doubt her.
So this year I decided to examine the winners and see what they’ve got that I haven’t (I just heard my wife giggle in the next room when I said that last sentence out loud. Now that I think about it, I sounded a bit more like hysterical laughter than just a giggle).
When I first glanced at the list, I noticed that two of the names right near the top, were Jude Law and Antonio Bandaras (I just heard my wife sigh loudly when I read their names out loud).
“Well, there it is,” I said to myself, “I’ve got it figured out, The key to being sexy is have a first name that ends in a vowel.”
How does TVe or TVo sound? (there’s that hysterical laughter out in the kitchen again).
Think about it. Take away Law’s youth, his wavy hair, his good body, his sparkling smile, his good looks and the way he wears his clothes and what have you got?…Me (“or the Stay Puff Marshmallow man,” I just heard a voice say from out in the kitchen. I’m not sure that was a kind comparison).
My wife just came into the den where I am writing this to console me. She told me I shouldn’t “be so rough on myself.” And that I was comparing “apples and bowling balls.” Hey, that hurts.
She said that both Law and Bandaras are young and that I should compare myself to someone closer to my own age. I hate to admit it, but I am a little older than those two (“If you add their ages together and multiply by seven” I hear my wife mutter under her breath).
So, I looked on the list to find someone closer to my own age. Sure enough, there was Harrison Ford. In point of fact, he is four years older than I. So I decided to turn to some of the women in town for help (My wife has been surprisingly unsupportive in this sexiness endeavor).
A few years back Ford released a film called “Six Days, Seven Nights” where he was stranded on an island with a beautiful young woman, so I decided to ask the local women who they would rather be stranded on a tropical island with, Ford or me, just to test my sexiness.
I’m sure my readers will be surprised to read that Harrison Ford inched me out in my poll. 72 of the local women asked said they would prefer to be on the island with Ford.
Only one woman said she would prefer to be on the island with me. However, that one did ask what caliber of gun she would have and further asked if she would be allowed to have “man-killer” bullets. I’m not sure what that meant.
My wife suggested I compare myself with someone a little older yet, maybe someone in his 70s or possibly even his upper 70s.
I was a little hurt, but I figured, “Hey, how tough can it be to be sexier than somebody who is nearly 80 years old?”
That was before I found out that Sean Connery was on the list. He is 78. There should be laws against someone being that old and looking that good.
“I’ve decided to cancel my subscription to People Magazine – Well, right after the sexiest woman issue comes out, anyway.