Baxter Black peeks into future news

By Baxter Black: QCS columnist

Future headline: “Governor calls for mandatory evacuation.”

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, in response to the tragedy of Hurricane Katrina, New Orleans and Gulf Coast, has declared the San Andreas Fault line and its tributaries an eminent disaster area of enormous proportions. He is exercising executive privilege and ordering the evacuation of all persons living, camping or touring within 100 miles on either side of the fault.

He is asking the federal government to assist with funding and facilitating this relocation. “We have been warned for years, books have predicted the West Coast sliding into the sea, we have constant reminders, from tea cup rattlers to Oakland Bridge breakers.

“I am asking the president to lend us the Marine Corps. In addition, the governments of Vietnam, Egypt, and Switzerland have offered to send troops to enforce an orderly departure. I know it will create some discomfort, but all of America will thank me some day.”

“Is this legal? This is the stupidest thing I have ever head of!” declared a state senator. ”I’m a native! I’ve lived here almost 12 years and sure, I’ve felt them, but my house never fell down!”

“How could America survive without Silicon Valley, Disneyland or Palm Springs!” said a prominent actress.

“It’s all about race!” said the NAACP, La Raza, the Vietnamese Ambassador and the Skinheads.

Other interest groups proclaimed loudly “It’s anti-business … anti-environmental … anti-war … anti-Bill Gates … anti-straight marriage … anti-this and anti-that.”

The media have already stirred a whirlpool in a frantic effort to assign blame, from the governor’s wife who wants to move the governor’s mansion to New York City, to the Director of FEMA who says we can’t be too careful, to the oil companies for drilling in Anwar, to salmon farming, Roller Ball, dairy waste, illegal immigration, the Lakers’ loss of Shaquille O’Neil and global warming.

The news coverage is so intense several U.S. Congressmen have called for hearings to discover how America could have let this happen.

“Heads are gonna roll!” warned one of our elder statesman. Then to one of his aides, “Does this mean we have to take a star off the flag?”

In a related story, Gov. Bush of Florida is declaring Miami — elevation 7 feet — as uninhabitable and asking Orlando — elevation 118 feet — to receive the evacuees. And the senior senator from Massachusetts is asking for federal funds to declare Boston and all of Cape Cod (except one small private acreage at Hyannisport) uninhabitable due to the dire tsunami threat.

But Gov. Schwarzenegger remains adamant. “Three decades ago New Orleans officials said they knew ‘The Big One’ was coming. But they hoped it wouldn’t happen in their lifetime. So, stop yer whining, fellow Californians, load yer SUV, Mercedes, Lear jet, low rider or Greyhound and head east — back to Oklahoma!”