Cattlemen have no business in cologne

By Baxter Black: QCS columnist

Dear J.D.,

I just got wind of your latest venture into the entrepreneurial world.

It’s odd that if I’d heard you’d merged with Tyson Foods or been arrested transporting Amish across the state line, I’d have shaken my head but taken it in stride.

As it was, I sat back too stunned to similize.

It’s like — see, wait! It’s as if Dick Cheney had joined the ACLU! Or Osama had seen the error of his ways and joined the Methodist Church!

But a cattle feeder producing a line of cologne? You must be barraged with cheap shots suggesting names like, Eau d’ Moo, Poopet (rhymes with Chevrolet), Nebraska Noir, Whiff of Wisner, Waft of Wahoo, Rumensent, Olay d’ Manuire, Corral No. 5.

What claims will it make? To improve one’s chances in the meat market? To increase one’s self esteem? To drive away horn flies? To cover odors such as feedlot dust, Terramycin, silage pit treacle or overflow lagoon that have permeated your skin?

How will it be applied? From a pour-on dispenser? In a nasal mist spray? Rubbed in like bag balm? Or a walk-through like a formaldehyde foot bath?

Will there be warning labels to caution against side affects such as attracting bullers, bee swarms, or buff puff buckaroos?

Will it be necessary to carry it in its own holster on yer belt beside your cell phone, pliers holder and pocket knife, always handy for a quick “poof” when you see the brand inspector coming?

So many questions.

From a marketing viewpoint, do you brag that this new cologne is the brainchild of a cattle feeder in hopes of cornering the lucrative pen rider and mill hand market? Or do you remain mum so that potential customers will never know your true bovine origin until they meet you at your cologne debut party in Manhattan or Paris? Where, of course, your green fingernails and white socks will be a dead giveaway.

I will be watching your success, as will others. If it works you will probably see occupational spin-offs: the rancher’s Ride For The Brand, which smells like burning hair, the farmer’s Eau d’ Urea, and my own personal former large animal veterinary fragrance, Essence of Prolapet (rhymes with poopet)!