An interview with Thomas Jefferson

Karl Terry

It’s Independence Day in the United States and some would argue the father of our nation’s independence was Thomas Jefferson.

The third president of the U.S. and the primary author of the Declaration of Independence, Jefferson’s ideals are still big deals today.

What if yours truly could have landed an interview with T.J.?

What would he think of the state of our nation?

What political party would he favor most?

Let’s imagine for a while.

KT: President Jefferson what is your opinion of the state of politics these days?

TJ: When I represented the Democratic-Republican Party as president I never envisioned a split that would cause such a chasm. In my day any differences that couldn’t be settled in spirited debate could be dealt with by a decisive pistol duel. These days the debate just goes on forever. I thought the country might be showing the same backbone as Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton when we found out Sarah Palin toted a gun and knew how to use it. Unfortunately Joe Biden wouldn’t agree to a duel. The weanie political hack barely agreed to debate her.

KT: Give us your thoughts on how well the Declaration of Independence and the U.S. Constitution have held up as documents to found a nation upon.

TJ: Well, the nation has certainly embraced the individual freedom and liberty stuff even though the fancy prose in which I wrote the documents makes it a little tough to read these days. I’ve got to say I never envisioned what all that liberty and freedom would lead to.

Kids that can’t be disciplined by parents, parents who believe homeschooling is a good thing, a society so litigious that labeling of products has become silly. That said though, any nation with the freedom and savvy to invent the Internet, iPhones and microwave ovens is doing something right.

KT: Aside from those two most famous documents probably your most important accomplishment as a president was securing the Louisiana Purchase. How has that worked out for the United States in your opinion?

TJ: Things were going pretty good until BP turned Louisiana’s marshes into something of an inkwell. I never trusted those Brits in the first place, now look what they’ve done.

KT: What can Americans of today take from the revolution you and your contemporaries sponsored and how would you advise us to deal with the pressures we’re feeling today from our government?

TJ: As I’ve said before, a little rebellion now and then is a good thing. Things are looking a lot like they did in the early 1770s you know. People need to wake up and exercise control over government before any real action or bloodshed is necessary.

KT: Are you a fan of Fox News?

TJ: I like keeping up with hunting, hounds and all that, but hunting foxes was primarily a British thing. I guess I would be a fan of the bushy-tailed rascal himself but I would avoid partaking of excess conservative blabber on television in favor of some real fireworks.