Caffeine causes cravings, column

Russell Anglin

There is not a single person I know that does not engage in caffeine consumption. This has to be one of the most prevalent activities of American culture, right next to spectating and not walking places.

It doesn’t always make us hyper or more alert. Sometimes we don’t even think about it when we do it. But I would venture to guess most of us feel we need it at some point in the day, whether or not we consciously register our cravings.

For me, that point in the day is definitely morning. Coffee falls between third and fifth on my morning list of things to do, depending on how much I slept and how much I think I have going on during the day.

Sometimes one coffee just doesn’t cut it and I’ll have another in the afternoon. But I have to be careful because, after all, caffeine can kill you and has killed people before, though it takes quite a bit.

It doesn’t take quite so much to fly into a blind caffeine rage as my hands tremor and my complexion shifts to a dehydrated, swollen red. Events appear to be happening faster and I think two thoughts at a time.

Monster energy drink cans have a warning that reads “limit three cans per day.” Two of these is enough to completely curtail saliva and sweat production, however. They don’t tell you that. I’m only kidding.

But seriously, have you tried one of those? It’s enough to make you want to wave a Geiger counter in front of the can. No matter, though. Caffeine in moderation is probably fine.

Besides, I’ve compared columns I wrote in the morning (caffeinated) to those I wrote at night (not as caffeinated) and the ones I wrote in the morning were definitely better. Which kind was this one? I’ll let you guess for yourself.