Real Santa whiskers not as itchy

Several random observations recently have tickled my funny bone (starting with the struggle whether to spell funny bone, funnybone, funny-bone or funniebone). Here they are in random order.

A television station I used to watch always announced the lotto numbers by saying "And now here's tonight's lotto numbers in random order." If they weren't random wouldn't that be a pretty rigged lotto?

On the phone the other day I got tapped into a phone system that supplied news or maybe it was trivia for me while on hold. That wasn't all that unusual but the single tidbit I got before being connected was.

The voice on the line informed me that it was actually illegal to tie a giraffe to a lamppost in Atlanta.

I was still laughing when I became connected to my party's voice mail. That person probably thought I was a little strange.

You've probably also been connected to a cell phone user's favorite music clip when waiting to be connected. Most of the time it's a song I don't like but every once in awhile I start singing along and the party I'm calling gets an earful of me without accompaniment.

I've noticed for some reason the waistband of my trousers becomes tighter in months that end in "ber." Could it have anything to do with the fact that those months are also when we have Trick or Treat candy, pumpkin pie, pecan pie, cornbread stuffing, Christmas candy, Christmas cookies and egg nog?

The postman and the FedX dude only ring once during December. They apparently don't care about your autograph anymore. In fact, just try and get to the porch before they've jumped back in their truck.

One little bitty 22-cent bulb can foul up a whole Christmas decorating operation and even alter the grand scheme.

Standing on the ground, a few unlit bulbs really don't look too bad if you're the guy that has to climb the ladder to replace them. In fact, whole dark sections can be overlooked.

One order by phone or Internet these days can generate approximately 35 catalogs in your mailbox over the next year along with three emails aday in your inbox. Each successive order will add an equal number of the same catalogs and emails from the hopeful company. If one catalog got a response four will get four-times the response. Right?

Santa Claus hair and beards become itchier the more you sweat. Santa Claus costumes are sweaty and itchy and smell bad after living in a plastic box in the Chamber's basement for who knows how many years.

At least one child will scream bloody murder when Santa Claus approaches.

Sorry kid, the beard's been in storage for six years and it's hard not to look like strange Uncle Si from"Duck Dynasty" when you're wearing it.

I didn't even know there was such a thing as No-Shave November until I let my whiskers grow while I was off over Thanksgiving and someone wanted to know if I was participating in No-Shave November or if I had a casting call on "Duck Dynasty".

Real whiskers are pretty itchy but not as itchy as fake whiskers. Next year I'll start my Santa Claus beard in the first month ending in "ber." Maybe by the last month with "ber" it won't be too itchy.

Karl Terry, a former publisher of the Quay County Sun, writes for Clovis Media Inc. Contact him at:

karlterry@yucca.net

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