By Steve Hansen
Former QCS Managing Editor
How does Santa do it?
Here’s this guy who was born old and overweight, oversees a band of elves and drives a reindeer-driven sleigh. And he’s technologically challenged — or is he?
Santa is actually the greatest scientist since Einstein and there’s a rumor going around in the circle of wizards in the realm where science meets metaphysics that Santa is in cahoots with the spirit of Nicola Tesla, the physics wizard who vowed to come back from the Great Beyond.
Somewhere — it’s either the library at Hogwarts or on Coruscant, the planet of the Jedi — there’s a paper proving that since the only way you can go from the North Pole is south; you have to go straight up to go anywhere else.
If you go straight up from the North Pole, this paper says, you enter a time warp in which each second can stretch out for dozens of equivalent years. Otherwise, you see, it would be impossible to get billions and billions of toys delivered to billions of children all over the world on or about midnight every Christmas Eve.
You cannot enter this time warp at any speed fast enough to allow rocket-driven spacecraft to escape the earth’s gravity. You need to find reindeer that can defy gravity on command, even at 15 mph or so, which, I imagine, is the speed of most reindeer teams.
In a miracle of biogenics, Santa has managed to develop exactly that strain of anti-gravity reindeer, using a herd he found hanging on the roof of a cave in Lapland. When asked if steroids were involved, he would not comment.
Now about that bag of toys. Only the top of that bag contains any toys, and it’s a cover-up for the tele-transporter cleverly hidden below. With that transporter, he can transmit toys instantly from the shelves of a warehouse the size of Connecticut.
How does he come down the chimney in homes without a fireplace? Well, uh…
You know, I’m out of my depth here. For the real answers to these and other questions about Santa, you need to consult a real expert in such matters — a 4-year-old.
Nobody knows better than your average 4-year-old that it’s magic.
That’s what makes Santa Claus real.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
Steve Hansen writes about our life and times from his perspective of a retired Tucumcari journalist. Contact him at: