Presidential politics - TV style
Published: Monday, September 6th, 2004
I admit I am not too politically savvy. I mean you’re reading the column of a man who picked Herbert Hoover to win the last Presidential election and he had been dead for 60 years. Generally that’s how my political acumen has been going for the last few years - OK, OK, the last few decades. I also get in trouble because I don’t totally understand political commentary. Who knew that when someone said about a recent election, “It was a real Mickey Mouse election,” that I couldn’t actually vote for Mickey Mouse? One of my biggest problems is that I have a trusting nature. You see, I actually believe what politicians say. Yeah, I know, that’s something that I should never do, but I do. Candidate A tells me he has a “vision” for America and I say, “Wow, he sees a brighter tomorrow for the country, that’s good.” But it turns out he just has mental problems and hallucinates and sees visions of strange animals and people from other planets. Another candidate might run on “family values” and it turns out that he means that he values my family’s money for his new BMW. The one thing I do know about elections is that in the not too distant future, we are going to have a woman president. I’m certain of that. And let me tell you, I am completely in favor of it. Especially if someone like my wife were to be elected. She could handle anything. Take, for instance, Osama Ben Ladan. When I’m hiding out because of something I did (it is usually something trivial like accidentally shaving the cat or losing the car) she can always find me. Even if I won’t come out of hiding after she knows where I am, she tricks me. “It’s all right honey. I’m not angry with you.” she says. “Yes you are...I know you are...You’re just saying that. “No I’m not really...” And I believe her and I come out from wherever I happen to be hiding.. Osama Bin Ladan would too. She’s like that. He would come out of hiding thinking no one was mad at him and he was in line for a meatloaf and green beans dinner, and the next thing he would know he would have a knot on the side of his head the size of Mount Rushmore. I know because I speak from experience. She would have handled Suddam Hussein differently too. I really think so. I think any woman would. They have a subtle side that men have no concept of. Basically men have what I call the “Duke” test. When faced with any negative situation, we ask ourselves a single question, “What would John Wayne do here? This usually results in bombs blowing up, guns going off or people being hit. And while this is colorful, patriotic and exciting, it isn’t what a female usually does. First off a woman would never have gone to war without proof; however, she would have made Saddam’s life a living hell - proof or no proof. I speak from experience. “Of course I believe you Suddam....you wouldn’t lie to me would you?” “No, Madam President, of course I wouldn’t, but why did you drop that bomb on my palace?” “Oh did we do that? I can’t imagine what I was thinking...” “But Madam President...” “Oh, and by the way, I hope nothing has happened to all those nice new tanks we sold you last year... “Madam President do you mean....” “Really Saddam, these days I don’t know what I mean... It’s like I said when we accidentally blew up all those fighter planes of yours.” “But Madam President, you haven’t blown up any of our fighter planes...” “Oh really? What is today anyway? “It’s Saturday, Madam President, why?. “Oh it is? Well, never mind then....” Trust me; in no time Saddam would have run off into the desert screaming and pulling out his hair. I know. I speak from experience.
Click Here To See More Stories Like This