Study shows church keeps you healthy

CNN issued a study a while back that found regularly attending church may increase a Christian’s lifespan, while at the same time help “them stay grounded and (provide) spiritual guidance.”

I’m guessing this positive benefit results from the additional sleep gained by snoozing during boring sermons.

This column normally takes a dim view of social “science” studies, but an exception will be made in this instance for two reasons. First, no taxpayer dollars appear to have been wasted. Second, there is no evidence of confirmation bias. The results no doubt came as a real shock to the Harvard team analyzing the data.

Prof. Tyler VanderWeele crunched the numbers from 75,000 nurses as part of a Nurses Health Study. This study asked if participants regularly attended Protestant or Catholic services during a 20-year period covering.

What the team probably expected to find was over the years — as the curve of history bent toward bathroom chaos — church attendance would drop off and attendance at homosexual weddings would increase, while those still clinging to church would show signs of clinical depression.

And there would be a statistically significant boost in Wicca adherents.

None of that happened. Instead researchers “found that women who went to church more than once a week had a 33 percent lower risk of dying during the study period compared with those who said they never went. Less-frequent attendance was also associated with a lower risk of death, as women who attended once a week or less than weekly had 26 percent and 13 percent lower risk of death, respectively.”

It’s obvious a nurse attending church events more than once a week wouldn’t have time for any vice as time-consuming as alcoholism, so cirrhosis was certainly out. But that’s not the only dangerous habit church helped avoid. Regardless of how inspiring the sermon was, these women “also had higher rates of social support and optimism, had lower rates of depression and were less likely to smoke.”

These results are enough to send pastors, priests and the chairmen of building committees jumping for joy, but Harvard scientists were, to put it mildly, less enthusiastic. Although it pains him to say so, those homo-haters may be on to something: “Our study suggests that for health, the benefits outweigh the potentially negative effects, such as guilt, anxiety or intolerance,” VanderWeele sniffed.

The study didn’t include other religions, although dietary restrictions alone would appear to give Orthodox Jews a leg up. On the other hand, results for Islam would be very dependent on whether or not the mosque offers advanced explosive classes.

Naysayers pooh-pooh the results by contending church attracts people who are already healthy, since they are more mobile. This just proves those atheists have never attended a traditional service — also known as the “assisted living” service — in a Baptist church. There the sermon and gentle hiss of portable oxygen serves to lull everyone to sleep.

Michael Shannon is the author of “A Conservative Christian’s Guidebook for Living in Secular Times.” Contact him at:

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